Why do I even start this?

I started thinking its easy, like learning during my undergraduate study. But I forgot the hard phase of FYP and ETP, and I forgot I survived ug year because I've many amazing&supportive friends at that moment. I started this thinking to be given another chance or another year to be able to have grip on my life/myself. The opportunity to rebuild myself. I started this because I believe this is the path that made easy by Him, despite all other option going on. (or maybe because I did all the necessary things, so I managed to get into this. Not sure) I started because I thought I manage to do it, even when having a job (so taking as part time master). But I forgot that I'm not as dedicated and discipline as Nisa, I'm not as eager and passion as Fanla. But I'm also forgot that my strength is to keep going no matter what happen. I believe I can do this by the correct way. I will.




Wow, I feel like a productive person sitting here but truth is no progress since 2.30pm. Already sit here around 2 hours, but I get nothing. Else than some random blogging, searching few websites (but not read it yet), a messed up table and socmed updates. I seriously need to improve my situation.

Master: Research or Flow

Its been 9 months already. And the truth is I don't have any progress on my research. It just happen I passed my RPD and sv evaluation. I don't know much about the project, and I seriously do nothing on the simulation part. Even worse, I don't understand a thing on how to do it. Biggest problem is I want to do it but I just don't do it. Lack of will I guess. I'm so lucky to pass, and I'm so lucky to be given more time for BAPC. But, I still accumulate all things at the end of the day. I think I have time, but actually I'm not. Hating myself because of this will not bring any benefit. It will just stress me more. I know I can do anything to change this situation, but I just don't want to.
**oh, lari tajuk sat. last weekend jumpa azzam azzim n geng. I realized there's lot of people concern and love me. Just sometimes they didn't show directly. I'm blessed and thankful for that.
Back to title, I don't have any idea in my mind about my research. All fills with unnecessary thing which kinda important but nope. I focus on my life, the kpop things and others. I forget the most important thing at the moment, which is my research and the money that I get because of it. One thing I know very clear is I want to finish this with sincere efforts (no more lying and plagiarism) and I will graduate and convo by next year. I will finish what I started. The hope will never die. I hope so..

Slump // Lump

-I thought my last post is long time ago, but its actually last Tuesday! not even a week! Problems come so sudden that I can't manage my mind. Urgh, need to re-manage the mind 🤔
After the last post, my life have been ups and downs. I guess after stopped writing to my idol, I start to lack on my routine. Sleep order is miserable, solat sunat rarely happen, English and Korean class just happen occasionally and many more things I think I lacking. Its not easy to be back on track when you start stray away. So at the first place, why sway?. Sometimes, its unavoidable. We are human, making mistakes over and over again. Gonna learn and moving on. Try to improve where possible. I'll try write again to my idol (even if its just imaginary). At least it keeps me organize and follow my routine. Most important, I need to learn to not run away from problem by watching youtube all day all night. I gotta improve my views. I know I can do it, and I will not pressure myself on unnecessary problem. Life goes on, time clicking, I need to move forward. I will move forward.

Life has been good lately

I start to adapt the act of grateful in my life. I'm happy and grateful for everything. Oh, and I started to write to my idol (but have stop due to certain reason), regarding my daily life. During the process, I learned to see positive things in my life and also I try to accomplish things daily. I learned to forgive myself if things not according to plan. Most importantly, I manage to overcome self-harm thoughts. Yeay, for me! I know it might be temporary, but at least it is a success at that time. One more thing, I try to create routine in my life. I start to pray "sunat", sleep early (regular time), waking up early, do yoga or stretching at least. I also start learning Korean, and try to improve my English. Yup, the progress for my research is so slow (and I think its so little), but at least I'm moving forward. Not stuck at one place. I keep learning. Things are hard, but nothing worthy comes easy. Work hard for bigger success. We can do this! Keep the spirit high, keep the hope high. Don't wary on unnecessary thing, and don't compromise with our goal. Be passionate. Till then, hope we will always be grateful, happy and insightful. Bye 😸

Master Journey

I guess its actually to teach me lots of things. The journey, not exactly about the research I need to do.
1) belajar untuk menguruskan diri dan menguruskan jadual kerja
2) belajar untuk yakin pada diri, yang kita boleh selesaikan/siapkan
3) belajar urus masa. mana yang penting, mana yang tidak.
4) belajar untuk mulakan kerja dari mana. kecikkan scope keje supaya tahu mana nak mula.

I write the same thing, but I seriously don't know what to do. Its not that I completely don't know, its just the start point. There're so much in plate, I don't know where to start. Okay, lets say if I know. but then why I don't start? maybe the reason of overwhelmed? Stressing on dah tak banyak masa, tapi still wandering here. Maybe I know where to start, I know its somewhere in my mind. I just need to focus. Focus on how to finish this project. so that I can figure out which area lacking, then we can start from there. Rasa doomed kan, repeat benda sama? Master journey? What I want from it actually? Why I start it at the first place? I guess I don't have any expectation from my master. I thought it just another student year. But its not. This is preparation for the real world. You are alone, you fight your own demon. You trying to finish what you start. I be here because I believe this is the place made for me. Allah has made it easy for me to go thru the application and all, thus I believe this is the best for the moment. And I will keep believing that. Its hard, but its not impossible. People can do it, so do I. Yeah, its completely different from what I had in mind, but hey, we human can adapt. We adapt ourselves to suit the situation. We human living. I guess a little pep talk don't hurt my time, because that's exactly what I need at the moment. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. ☺️💌

Cycle

Its complete cycle. Round and round. We slipped, then we get back on track. Its okay. Do not care how many times we fall down, the important thing is we get up again. That's my life motto. Life feel so good when you can smile again after you cry. Yup, hopeless over the weekend, with nobody knows. But, I get up. Walaupun lambat, but I still get up. Now ada dkt IRC, at least one achievement already! Nope, bukan satu, tapi bnyk. I managed to stop watching drama (finished all the episode already hiks), managed to mandi wajib then solat. managed to have my stomach full. n manage to be here. Thats lot of improvement and achievement, right? I'm not gonna give up. I live for my parents, my friends, for Nuest and Suju, for people surround me, and most important, I live for me. I want to feel proud of myself. The process is not gonna be easy, but most importantly, I did not give up. There's still hope. 

Oh, and regarding my master, I know what I did is wrong. and I will not gonna repeat it again. I learned truly about the real meaning of integrity. Its make your heart not in ease. I believe the time given is the opportunity for me do correct it. I still have time, only if I really do it in the right way this time. Yeah so little time, so many to do. but what to do? my mistakes the last time, I waste so much time. But its okay, selagi aku buat perkara yg betul. If I do it right, maybe I don't need to tell everything. Buat perkara yg betul, dan kalau busted, kita bagitau benda yg betul. for now, teruskan dgn membetulkan apa yg salah. 

Selagi hati tak tenang, selagi tuh kita tahu ada benda yang tak settle. Maafkan orang, dan minta maaf dkt orang (dgn jujur dan ikhlas). Positive.

My Life

I decided to take control of my life, myself. yeah, its not gonna be easy, and I know the process will be long. But I'm positive it can be done. And I know some part of me will be rebellious, and defend themselves from being better, but I still gonna proceed. Its not easy but it can be done. be positive and take control of myself. be better very single minutes. Not gonna waste the energy. Bump and slump, its okay. No matter how many times I fall, the important thing is I get up. This if life. Should be grateful that I'm feeling like this and aware about it, that means I'm still alive. Thanks God. I know and aware how many times I waste already, the past mistakes that I made, but that not gonna be the barrier for me to move forward. What happen doesn't define me. What I gonna make today and towards is what gonna define me as human being. Hope I can always inspired and be motivate and be better for my self. Hope the spark will never die. I hope the HOPE will never die.

Frustrating

Its so frustrating and sad that I can't help myself. I know whats going on and everything, but I still couldn't make a move. I searched, read about how to be motivate and all, but back in my mind, I still don't feel it. I know the spark in my life has died. And I seriously don't know what to do. I talked to B, but I thing its just useless. Because she seems don't understand or don't even care or don't know how to react. Want to talk to F or N, but there are not here, the present life. They having their own life, their own problems and I don't feel like to bother them. Maybe this is the time for me to learn how to handle everything on my own. Without others' advise, without their decision/voice, without their guidelines. This is the time for me to be responsible for my own life and actions. But I don't think I know what to do. I don't think I can without the help of others. I'm not sure. I want to write "I give up" but I know I can't.

Current Life

After a year passed, now I'm back in UTP for my master. Last posts were written during my final year here. Remember very single place where I wrote them. Now, going back here to posts some more again. Things not going so well. I'm lost motivation, or I can say, I lost the spark in my life/heart. Like, I live without a purpose. I tried, but I just can't see the light. I also dunno to whom I can speak to. My old posts always ended up with me being motivated towards myself, but for now, I just don't feel to. Plus, I'm always run from reality. Eg: watching/searching socmed until time passed.
Other thing, about my Master. I passed the RPD (first presentation). but actually I lied about the results. I lied about the progress. I don't even start anything, *I don't even understand a thing. I still not confident with the tittle/project. I doomed. I talked to nobody about this. How can I expose to the world that I'm actually cheating? Okay, main reasons for doing that is actually I'm so stressed out that the dateline is already near, n my supervisor already decided the date. So I just need to go with the flow. I thought I can correct it afterward, but here I am, still doing nothing. Okay, another thing, the reason behind all these mess (not having enough time to do RPD thinggy), is because I'm just ignoring the reality. Focus/waste too much time visiting the past, visiting friends' socmeds, watching kpop things and dreaming of something that will be never be real. I just keep running from all the responsibility. I know that, but I can't get grip of my live. Hope, someone can help me because I already can't help myself on these. I've spent so much time on internet nowadays. Seems like I can't get hold on my life, can't even monitor and schedule my routine. **uckmylife. I don't asked people understanding, but I hope someone can reach/help me. Things is, people will not know if I don't say/open up to them right? ah, complicated life!
One another thing, I think my life right now is full with hatred. I hate everything. There's always something not right. And all these keep building up inside of me, because I can let it out. Its frustrating! How to be back on track?