"Academic Probation"

Fail.
Semalam dapat results. Seperti yang dijangka selepas BAPC presentation dlu.
Yes, dgn tak jumpa SV for a year, then hantar paper without consultation, and present takleh jawab pape.. mmg patut dapat fail. <65%

I'm indeed sabotaging myself. I choose this path, and need to bare the consequences.
Now I understand the importance of money, and future.

Mungkin sebab aku 'takpernah' gagal. Dan selalunya apa aku nak, aku dapat. Ini masanya untuk merasai dan mendaki. Indeed, tanpa usaha will not be any success. Man jadda wajada. Sesiapa yang berusaha bersungguh-sungguh, pasti berjaya.

The thing is nobody know. Taktau patut ckp dkt balqis or not. Nak cerita dkt nisa/fanla pon rasa mcm takperlu.. My parents/family lagilah aku mmg takpernah nak ckp pape.. Dan sememangnya aku malu dgn kegagalan diri. Jujur kata, kalau orang tanya kenapa boleh jadi gini, aku pon taktau punca. Mungkin sebab takfaham/takut dan lari dari masalah/halangan/cabaran, then aku memilih untuk lagha. Memilih untuk keseronokkan sementara, lari dari kesusahan/kepayahan. Aku pilih entertainment. Aku pilih kpop/youtube/sns sebab ia lebih mudah. Tanpa aku realize, masa berlalu begitu saja, hampir 2 tahun tanpa kemajuan. Masih di takuk lama, or sebenarnya masih di peringkat awal. People give me opportunity and free pass, but I didn't appreciate it.
Masa berjalan tanpa menunggu sesiapa pun. Sehari berlalu, tiba2 jadi seminggu. Tanpa sedar, 2 tahun berlalu dengan sia-sia.
Betullah orang kata, benda yang berharga itu takmudah. Its not worth if it easy. Worth things don't come easily. Masa itu emas, yang dah disiakan takkan dapat dibeli dan takkan kembali.

I learned the hard way. Now, the only way to correct and move forward is facing the challenge, and face/bare it. My failure not necessary will define the future me. I can make it better by doing better or at least doing the right things. And the next right thing to do is to be brave enough to learn. To take on new challenge in learning/progressing.

My master journey teach me to be self-perseverance. Never give up even when you didn't have option. Keep exploring new ways to make it happen. Keep believing and have faith in my self. Don't doubt yourself that you are able to success and do the right things.
Keep going 

Learning Process

What can be learn from all this??

Not about the whole process of master research, I'm not there (finish) yet but this whole process of not doing anything for almost 2 years must have some lesson to me. I should dig deeper to understand and make better of myself.

Most important thing I've learned is that without an action, there will be no results.
An inch of movement is better than a mile of intention.

And, we can trick our mind to see the happiness in everything. Even when we (maybe) not find the things quite "fun". We always can learn and change. Try different approaches or efforts, looking for answer/solution from different angle.

Don't give up, never give up.
Yup, it might take time (longer time ~2years++) but the least is you still make it.
Yeah it is fortunate and better if you finish in shorter time, but that doesn't mean you fail if you take the longer route. Just keep moving.

Keep moving, keep sailing.

ruined.

15th October 2019
Dateline of my bapc paper submission. Not finish and not submit yet, instead here I am whining. Gamble teruk, will try to study and do the paper before 6am, submit before 8am. hopefully it will be accepted. Aku taknak dah buat tipu2 lagi mcm dlu, this time gonna study betul2.. at least aku bebtul ada finalized proposal method and plan forward apa nak buat. the least can do for the paper tonight. Itu je yg penting, taknak plagiarize lagi dah.. lambat pon lambat lah, at least buat btul and submit. Takde salah orang lain atau situasi luar, semuanya salah sendiri.
1) last minit baru nak buat keje/focus
2) selama nih lagha jee, kpop utube etc.
3) didn't have actual plan and didn't want to engage with it
4) masa suntuk sebab tgu last minit (procrastinate) 
Kalau tak belajar dari kesilapan and perbetulkan, mmg akan ulang2 berjuta kali lah jwbnya. Mistakes are repeated until learned and fix.
Hopefully, this can be my turning point. which I know it will be.
This is the time to restructure semua, put a proper plan into it then proceed jumpa sv and execute.
yeah, we can go thru this 💪

terribly made things up

already 1 year and almost 6 months. (end of august tamat candidacy)
just now I cancel my tutorial session and asked them to learn by themselves. which, I will not gonna claim it. luckily no one call me other than that one student. this is not a good time to enjoy, later waktu presentation lab, surely kena face him. so, gonna meet before nextweek.
lots to be grateful of, for example:
1) always have foods depan mata
2) urusan rasa mudah je semua
3) no problem with family nor friends
4) duit not so much problem, ada je sentiasa for now
5) ada tempat untuk tido, buat keje etc.
6) sv tak call/pressure to do such things, but this making you lack in the research area.
7) have plenty of resources.

things you should not worry/stress about:
1) bangun lambat. you always can start immediately after waking up
2) tido lambat. you will have plenty of time to rest/sleep later on
3) tak makan. you need energy
4) terlebih makan. you will make up for it
5) tak bersenam as schedule. you can always make up for it later on
6) couldn't find other time. just plan your life accordingly and follow it. be kental
7) terlebih hiburan/wasting time unproductively. you can always make it right. yeah, past is past but the future is still there. you stressing out because you keep repeating it, so why not you stop and not repeat?
8) same thing again and again. life is a circle for you to break, if not you'll always end up in the same situation.

now on, the only thing I need to focus is my progress in research. then later the rest will follow. my research is fun thing to do, I don't know why my mind kinda block it. Its hard, but its challenging. Its hard but its worth it.

This time, I couldn't blame anyone else but myself.

Acknowledgement.
In order to grow, I need to accept the fact of my mistakes. To accept whatever happen is on my own choice. My choice to do the wrong way, my choice to keep run from reality, my choice to keep avoiding the fear. Fear of not understand a thing about what's going on for my research, the fear that I lied the last time (even on the application: only some part of it is truth), the fear that I need to face my supervisor anytime soon, the fear of people watching, the fear of people's perception towards me. I keep running away. I keep avoiding it. I understand what should be done, but here I am. still afraid to move forward. back of my head, I'll keep running from these fears. I'll back to hours of kpop, hours of kdrama, hours of crying, hours of self-harm, hours of of isolating myself from surrounding. Keep making excuses that doesn't even make sense.
However, I'll keep believing that Allah will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. I'll keep my faith strong. I'll keep going for my life. whatever happen, I'll keep breathing and living. =) don't worry about me, everything gonna be okay. Trust yourself, trust Allah.

Breakdown

I noticed how once in a month, I will (must) encounter breakdown. Normally, it started with feeling hopeless, tired. Couldn't be able to do anything despite being motivated and energetic in the beginning of the week. Read about it, stated that there is a mental condition for it, happen due to hormone imbalance for nearing period. I'm not alone, but I getting tired with it. Same cycle every month. This unwanted, uninvited feeling keep coming back. On that day, there's nothing I can do other than let it through. I cry, feeling hopeless/restless, overthinking. I just let it flow. Because I know, and I believe this too shall pass. Recovering phase is the most important and crucial part. Disbelieve because I fell into the trap again. When I finally can get over it, then it come again knocking on the door. The same process repeat in cycle. But I guess that is life. A cycle we repeat again and again. We make mistake then we learn from it. Then we make another mistake, only to be able to learn and grow from it. While in repeating the process, we try to spread happiness to others. Our purpose of life. Everyone has different purpose, different meaning with their life. and mine? Mine is happiness. To create happiness, receive and give happiness. Happiness = kindness, and that's what I want to do for my live. In reality, to be able to do it is not an easy job. But if my heart is big and brave enough, I'm surely can face this. Again and again. =)

Why do I even start this?

I started thinking its easy, like learning during my undergraduate study. But I forgot the hard phase of FYP and ETP, and I forgot I survived ug year because I've many amazing&supportive friends at that moment. I started this thinking to be given another chance or another year to be able to have grip on my life/myself. The opportunity to rebuild myself. I started this because I believe this is the path that made easy by Him, despite all other option going on. (or maybe because I did all the necessary things, so I managed to get into this. Not sure) I started because I thought I manage to do it, even when having a job (so taking as part time master). But I forgot that I'm not as dedicated and discipline as Nisa, I'm not as eager and passion as Fanla. But I'm also forgot that my strength is to keep going no matter what happen. I believe I can do this by the correct way. I will.




Wow, I feel like a productive person sitting here but truth is no progress since 2.30pm. Already sit here around 2 hours, but I get nothing. Else than some random blogging, searching few websites (but not read it yet), a messed up table and socmed updates. I seriously need to improve my situation.