My Life

I decided to take control of my life, myself. yeah, its not gonna be easy, and I know the process will be long. But I'm positive it can be done. And I know some part of me will be rebellious, and defend themselves from being better, but I still gonna proceed. Its not easy but it can be done. be positive and take control of myself. be better very single minutes. Not gonna waste the energy. Bump and slump, its okay. No matter how many times I fall, the important thing is I get up. This if life. Should be grateful that I'm feeling like this and aware about it, that means I'm still alive. Thanks God. I know and aware how many times I waste already, the past mistakes that I made, but that not gonna be the barrier for me to move forward. What happen doesn't define me. What I gonna make today and towards is what gonna define me as human being. Hope I can always inspired and be motivate and be better for my self. Hope the spark will never die. I hope the HOPE will never die.

Frustrating

Its so frustrating and sad that I can't help myself. I know whats going on and everything, but I still couldn't make a move. I searched, read about how to be motivate and all, but back in my mind, I still don't feel it. I know the spark in my life has died. And I seriously don't know what to do. I talked to B, but I thing its just useless. Because she seems don't understand or don't even care or don't know how to react. Want to talk to F or N, but there are not here, the present life. They having their own life, their own problems and I don't feel like to bother them. Maybe this is the time for me to learn how to handle everything on my own. Without others' advise, without their decision/voice, without their guidelines. This is the time for me to be responsible for my own life and actions. But I don't think I know what to do. I don't think I can without the help of others. I'm not sure. I want to write "I give up" but I know I can't.

Current Life

After a year passed, now I'm back in UTP for my master. Last posts were written during my final year here. Remember very single place where I wrote them. Now, going back here to posts some more again. Things not going so well. I'm lost motivation, or I can say, I lost the spark in my life/heart. Like, I live without a purpose. I tried, but I just can't see the light. I also dunno to whom I can speak to. My old posts always ended up with me being motivated towards myself, but for now, I just don't feel to. Plus, I'm always run from reality. Eg: watching/searching socmed until time passed.
Other thing, about my Master. I passed the RPD (first presentation). but actually I lied about the results. I lied about the progress. I don't even start anything, *I don't even understand a thing. I still not confident with the tittle/project. I doomed. I talked to nobody about this. How can I expose to the world that I'm actually cheating? Okay, main reasons for doing that is actually I'm so stressed out that the dateline is already near, n my supervisor already decided the date. So I just need to go with the flow. I thought I can correct it afterward, but here I am, still doing nothing. Okay, another thing, the reason behind all these mess (not having enough time to do RPD thinggy), is because I'm just ignoring the reality. Focus/waste too much time visiting the past, visiting friends' socmeds, watching kpop things and dreaming of something that will be never be real. I just keep running from all the responsibility. I know that, but I can't get grip of my live. Hope, someone can help me because I already can't help myself on these. I've spent so much time on internet nowadays. Seems like I can't get hold on my life, can't even monitor and schedule my routine. **uckmylife. I don't asked people understanding, but I hope someone can reach/help me. Things is, people will not know if I don't say/open up to them right? ah, complicated life!
One another thing, I think my life right now is full with hatred. I hate everything. There's always something not right. And all these keep building up inside of me, because I can let it out. Its frustrating! How to be back on track?