This time, I couldn't blame anyone else but myself.

Acknowledgement.
In order to grow, I need to accept the fact of my mistakes. To accept whatever happen is on my own choice. My choice to do the wrong way, my choice to keep run from reality, my choice to keep avoiding the fear. Fear of not understand a thing about what's going on for my research, the fear that I lied the last time (even on the application: only some part of it is truth), the fear that I need to face my supervisor anytime soon, the fear of people watching, the fear of people's perception towards me. I keep running away. I keep avoiding it. I understand what should be done, but here I am. still afraid to move forward. back of my head, I'll keep running from these fears. I'll back to hours of kpop, hours of kdrama, hours of crying, hours of self-harm, hours of of isolating myself from surrounding. Keep making excuses that doesn't even make sense.
However, I'll keep believing that Allah will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. I'll keep my faith strong. I'll keep going for my life. whatever happen, I'll keep breathing and living. =) don't worry about me, everything gonna be okay. Trust yourself, trust Allah.

Breakdown

I noticed how once in a month, I will (must) encounter breakdown. Normally, it started with feeling hopeless, tired. Couldn't be able to do anything despite being motivated and energetic in the beginning of the week. Read about it, stated that there is a mental condition for it, happen due to hormone imbalance for nearing period. I'm not alone, but I getting tired with it. Same cycle every month. This unwanted, uninvited feeling keep coming back. On that day, there's nothing I can do other than let it through. I cry, feeling hopeless/restless, overthinking. I just let it flow. Because I know, and I believe this too shall pass. Recovering phase is the most important and crucial part. Disbelieve because I fell into the trap again. When I finally can get over it, then it come again knocking on the door. The same process repeat in cycle. But I guess that is life. A cycle we repeat again and again. We make mistake then we learn from it. Then we make another mistake, only to be able to learn and grow from it. While in repeating the process, we try to spread happiness to others. Our purpose of life. Everyone has different purpose, different meaning with their life. and mine? Mine is happiness. To create happiness, receive and give happiness. Happiness = kindness, and that's what I want to do for my live. In reality, to be able to do it is not an easy job. But if my heart is big and brave enough, I'm surely can face this. Again and again. =)